The book I have been reading (Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka) begins with an overview of spirited temperament traits, as well as a survey to determine if your child can be categorized as spirited. By my estimation, Abby does have many of the spirited traits. I will go into detailed posts throughout the month discussing the 5 core spirited traits as well as the 4 "bonus" traits that some spirited kids possess. But today I will discuss the beginning section of the book, regarding introversion vs. extraversion.
Introversion and extraversion describe how you get your energy. We can all look at our own patterns to see whether we are an extraverted "people-person" or more reserved like an introvert. Do you need social interaction to be your best? Do you require quiet time by yourself? What is your natural tendancy for social interaction?
A person who is more extraverted than introverted draws energy from interaction with others. Communication fuels this type of person. They will walk in the door from a day at work (or school) and tell every last detail of what happened that day. They relish playdates and parties. They need group interaction to draw their energy.
A person who is more introverted than extraverted refuels by being alone or with a few special people. They need time to reflect on ideas before sharing them. They become overwhelmed by too much social interaction. They need private time to re-energize.
How it relates to Abby: Abby is an introvert (who is living with an introverted Dad, a middle-of-the-road Mom, and an extraverted brother). Prior to reading the book, I'd never taken the time to think about where the four of us fall on the spectrum, but it helps to explain a lot of our behavior. Abby has always liked to play independently. She will take a toy or a book to another room to be by herself. She becomes very cranky if she's had too much time with her extraverted brother (who tends to be talking most of the time). She's not very forthcoming with the details of her day at school on the drive home. She needs time to ponder before making an important decision. She is very thoughtful and purposeful in completing tasks, and takes time within herself to think about them first.
What we've done right: We let Abby go to play by herself when she wants to. I belong to a regular Friday morning playgroup with some neighborhood kids, and Abby will play with the kids for a few minutes and then disappear somewhere alone, which I allow (although I've wanted to encourage her to interact many times). I've come to realize, the playgroup is more for Ethan's and my need for social interaction than for Abby's.
Introverts often need more personal space than extraverts. Abby does not like when people sit too close to her, or encroach upon her space. She responds by saying "go away" or "leave me alone." Although we work on having her say it differently, we are encouraging her to use words to ask for space. Ethan often unknowingly violates Abby's personal space, and she will respond by pushing him away after asking him to leave several times (which is not acceptable, but is understandable). Abby's personal space issues spread into the way that she reacts when she's hurt. She doesn't want physical comforting when she's hurt - she wants everyone to stay away from her. The interesting thing about that is her birthmom once asked me if Abby responded that way to being hurt, because she has always had the exact same response.
What needs work: We need to give Abby time to process her day before talking about it. A prime example of how this has worked for us was a few weeks ago, when I went with the kids on a preschool field trip to the pumpkin patch. That evening, Mark asked Abby what happened that day. He got barely a word from her. I was starting to wonder if she enjoyed the trip or not. But the next night, as we were sitting down to our family dinner, Abby started telling Mark all about it. From out of the blue, she was animatedly sharing stories of the chickens, sheep, hayride, pumpkins and other things that we had done the day before. She wanted to share her experience, she just needed time.
Introverts don't handle interruptions well. I am constantly interrupting Abby when she is in the middle of something, to praise her or ask her questions. I have always thought that making sure to give her encouragement while she worked was good for her. But interruptions rob introverts of energy. I need to wait until she's finished with a task before praising her, and then the praise will be much more of a reward.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Source: Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Previous Posts: My Spirited Daughter - Part 1
Next Topic: Intensity
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I think that it would be a challange not to ask questions or praise her while she is talking. I know it would be for me. I suppose I always thought that it showed you were actually listening and its interesting to know that it really hampers some peoples communication.
Very interesting...thanks for sharing. Now I'm trying to think of each of my family members and figure out where we all fall. I used to say Hope was an extravert and still think that for the most part but as she has gotten older I'm seeing more "shyness" kick in. That may be more of a preteen type of response. I'm definitely introverted no question about it! Hubby is an extravert and I'm still weighing in on the other two in the household. More than you wanted to know I'm sure! LOL!!!! Sorry thinking outloud here!
You are definitely following the Dale Carnegie guide to parenting. Knowing what makes the other person tick is half the battle. Once you figure out what motivates them, you're flying high. :)
Post a Comment