November 21st - My Spirited Daughter: Part 3 (Intensity)

Intensity: Abby's strong reaction to her banana breaking in two

In the book I've been reading (Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka), the spirited child is described as being more: more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent and energetic than other children.

The first trait talked about in the book is intensity. Spirited children have very strong reactions to things. If something is pleasing, they laugh and scream louder than other kids. If something is displeasing, they can throw a tantrum that is more intense and longer than other kids. Everything seems black and white, love it or hate it, great or horrible. Emotional reactions are very strong.

How it relates to Abby: Abby's intensity is probably the most noticable trait to strangers. She can cause a huge scene if she is upset about something (just ask Mark or his parents about her meltdown at breakfast last weekend because she didn't want to take the time to pray). She has a strong reaction to just about everything, she either loves a food or says, "I don't like it!" (if we're lucky - many times she will scream and cry or push her plate away if we present her with food she doesn't want). She is not wishy-washy about her opinions.

Abby is also extremely enthusiastic and excitable, which is one of the traits I've always hoped for in my children. She becomes so excited about things we might view as trivial (like Jennifer's birthday gift of the $5 Barbie), and her enthusiasm is infectious. Nothing can make me smile more than Abby's joy.

How we can help Abby deal with her intensity: We can identify Abby's intensity with words when we notice an outbreak coming on; this will help her to predict when she might become overwhelmed. We can provide soothing and calming activities (a warm bath, stories, quiet play, etc.) We can use humor to diffuse intense reactions (Mark is GREAT at this). We can teach Abby to use time-out as a way to calm herself down instead of as a punishment. We can teach Abby to breathe slowly and deeply if she is feeling overwhelmed. We can give her permission to remove herself from a situation where she will likely have an intense negative response.

Positive things that we can tell Abby: You do everything with gusto! You are enthusiastic and expressive. You can become frustrated easily. Being intense does not mean being aggressive.

Our own intensity level: I am pretty intense (or short-fused, as my parents would say). I would say that Mark is not very intense. My intensity is what makes Abby such a challenge for me, because I have strong reactions to things as well (and my frustration threshold is pretty low, so I can go from content to completely annoyed very quickly). My intensity can cause a chain reaction in Abby. I have learned that I am my best when I have taken my own time-out to diffuse my intensity before dealing with Abby's strong reactions. I rely on Mark A LOT to bring the overall intensity level down by stepping in and taking over when I need help.

In summary, intensity can be a positive trait. Many adults with intensity are the go-getters who can motivate others to accomplish big tasks. Intensity can also be a big negative if not managed well. Mark has a manager right now who is so "hot and cold" that no one can stand him. One minute, an employee is the greatest thing since sliced bread and the next moment the manager is screaming profanity in that same employee's face for saying something he disagrees with. That is pretty intense!
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Source: Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Previous Posts: My Spirited Daughter - Part 1
My Spirited Daughter - Part 2 (Introvert vs. Extravert)
Next Topic: Persistence