Persistence: Abby can do it by herself, Papa.In the book I've been reading (Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka), the spirited child is described as being more: more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent and energetic than other children.
The second trait talked about in the book is persistence. Spirited children need, want and seek power. Persistent children are determined and strong. They push where other kids don't . They never give up. It is nearly impossible to ignore them or distract them.
How it relates to Abby: Abby's persistence is her strongest spirited trait. She can lock in for battle over anything. If she wants to climb the couch, and has been told not to climb the couch, she will do anything she can to find a way to climb the couch. She challenges every rule. Her will is very strong.
Abby is also incredibly motivated to accomplish things. She never asks for help before she has exhausted all possibilities of completing something herself. She accepts any challenge with glee. She has learned so many things in her short life by using her persistent nature.
How we can manage Abby's persistence: A major key to successful parenting of a persistent child is choosing battles. With Abby, everything could be a battle if we let it. Mark is much better at choosing the important battles, while I have had to work hard to identify which battles are worth fighting (absolutely no running into the street, prayer time is special time we need to take seriously, aggression is never tolerated), which battles can be negotiated (how much/what kinds of food Abby eats, can Abby sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor or only in her bed, can Abby take off her shoes and coat in the car) and which battles can be avoided (letting Abby choose her own clothes even if they don't match). Negotiation is a key strategy to creating a harmonious home environment. Getting to a place that we can all live with is so much better than "my way or the highway" when parenting a persistent child. Negotiation may look like a weak parenting strategy, but it is really teaching our child how to use her persistence as a positive, and to consider the needs of others to arrive at a solution. And it allows Abby to be spirited without losing a battle of wills against her parents, which will undoubtedly affect her self-esteem. Of course, some things are non-negotiable and have to be accepted. Negotiation also teaches an important life skill: coming up with another acceptable solution when she is dead set against ours.
Having said all of that, consistency is extremely important for the persistent child. Persistent kids are testing limits all of the time. If a limit is non-negotiable (or has been decided already through negotiation), we must remain constant in our enforcement of the limit. As parents of a persistent child, we can't make exceptions to rules without experiencing a big downside: that rule will be tested even harder in the future. Consistency will provide Abby with a sense of security, because we are unwaivering.
I'm sure that there are many people that question how we are raising Abby and where we draw the lines with her (and how on earth could we negotiate with her - isn't that allowing her the power?). For example, when Abby turned three we made a decision to allow her to use all of the equipment at the local playground without any help. The playground is intended for kids who are 5+ years, and has some very challenging equipment (a completely verticle rock wall, for example). Abby has spent the last year proving to us that she can handle the equipment despite her petite stature and young age. She is always very careful and graceful when she uses the equipment. She has never come close to falling, and her persistent nature has helped her to accomplish her goal of being independent on the equipment. Over the summer, Abby and I negotiated to come to a "yes" together... and I decided to let her use the equipment alone at her 3rd birthday. She was very happy with that, and I was happy to be able to make her happy. But she is the youngest kid on the playground using the equipment without help, and I get lots of looks and gasps from other parents. I would imagine other parents of spirited children would "get it."
Positive things that we can tell Abby: You really stick with things. You are committed and decisive. You are assertive. You are independent and capable.
Our own persistence level: I am persistent myself. Mark is not persistent (he doesn't lock in, he easily walks away from arguments that could become battles). When Abby challenges the rules, it usually feels like a personal afront to me [although I can intellectually tell the difference]. Mark has a much easier time being cool and collected and not engaging in a battle of wills. My persistence becomes a hinderance in my relationship with Abby because I have a tendancy to want to have the power in the relationship, which always puts Abby in a losing position. It is hard for me to look for the win/win solution. I need to allow myself time to unlock from the battle, time to regroup and collect myself. As Dr. Phil often says, "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" The answer for myself is that I want to be happy, and having a harmonious home life will definitely make me happy.
In summary, persistence is a great trait to have to become a successful adult. Big things wouldn't happen without persistence. Persistent people are the ones that get stuff done! But persistence can cause big problems in relationships when power struggles are constant. In order to live happily, we need to minimize the power struggles and find ways that our persistence can shine.
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Source: Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
Previous Posts: My Spirited Daughter - Part 1
My Spirited Daughter - Part 2 (Introvert vs. Extravert)
My Spirited Daughter - Part 3 (Intensity)
Next Topic: Perceptive Nature
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