The older I get, the harder it is to make new friends. I have been blessed with a fairly stable life with few moves (this house is only my 5th residence, 3 of which were after marriage). That helps to cement friendships, for sure. I had a lot of the same girlfriends all through my growing up years, friends who went to school or church with me, friends I shared my secrets with, friends who were there when I got my first period, friends who stood up in my wedding. Only a couple of those friends remain in contact, including my best friend Jennifer.
Married life brought my first move from my parents' house - all the way across the state. And it brought a new challenge of making friends. I took on some of Mark's college classmates as friends, which was a blessing. And I met people at work (one of my best friends, Jenny, was my "employee" - heehee). I was just starting to become friendly with other moms in my community when we moved back "home" almost a year ago.
And here I am again, making new friends. But I've noticed something about my new journey - the traits that were a large part of my identity in my past city are no longer the things forming my identity now. I am starting with a clean slate, presenting my new friends with a new and improved Trista.
Adoption was a huge part of what made me "me" in my last city, probably one of the first things people said about me when talking with someone else ("my friend, Trista... you know, the one who adopted the two kids"). But, I've just recently shared with my mom's group that my kids were adopted. I haven't consciously hidden the fact that I'm an adoptive mom, I just didn't really think about sharing it or not. As many adoptive moms can appreciate, there comes a time when you are swapping birth stories with the other moms that you are asked about your labor or if you have stretch marks. Just today, I was asked how long I nursed (which opened the door to tell my news). Of course, when I share how our family came to be, I can see the lightbulbs go on (it's hard not to wonder exactly how close in age two kids are when they're the same size, and at almost the same development stage). I haven't been hiding my adoptive parent status, but haven't been proclaiming it from the mountaintop, either.
I've also just realized this week that although I am going back to the same church I grew up in, the same church that my sisters' family goes to currently, that I haven't really told people that Becky is my sister. Becky is very well-known in the church, and true to her personality, she has her hands in every pot. But I haven't mentioned our sibship to my new friends (most of who have had contact with her for one reason or another). It's another thing that would have been a big part of my identity in the past, but is not in the spotlight like it once was.
As my sister-in-law Tracy can attest to, it's hard to be the "new mom on the block." Adult friendships don't come easy, and take a long time to nurture. As I stand on the threshold of my new journey to frienships, I am taking a breath and putting on a smile. Because despite the challenge of making new friends, I'm getting a fresh start.
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3 comments:
Trista, I love you! It is weird that when I meet people now it is normally pretty focused on my kids... I actually went out with some of the girls I met down here last week and not 5 minutes after we sat down the conversation migrated towards kids and school and (everyones favorite) birth stories! I didn't say much and was kind of laughing to myself that the one chance we all have of getting away for a night, and we still talk about kids. I miss the normal conversations I used to have...and the not so normal too (funny hospital stories)... It certainly is more difficult to find or maitain your own identity when now you are the "mom". I hope you will find great friends there like I hope I do here. I miss you so much!!!
Love,
Tracy
For me as an adoptive mom I'm often put in the position of feeling like I "have to" share that my kids are adopted. I have a very multi-cultural family! It's not really that I mind people knowing, it's just that I don't feel it should be my children's identity. I also feel that it's intrusive to my children's privacy. I usually end up sharing though because it's easier to say that then to try and explain why my children look the way they do. LOL!!!!!!
I'll be your friend! We have turkey-baster loved-ones and blog obsession in common.
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