It seems that once you're a MOM, you start associating yourself with other moms. No matter where you go, you seek other moms out and they seek you out. You give a knowing smile when someone's child is acting up in the grocery store. You join mothers' groups. You see moms at the playground. You tell other moms how cute their kids are when walking through the mall. Moms are everywhere, and you are now one of them!
One of the main mommy topics is: giving birth. I hear moms talking in almost any setting about their children's birth stories. Were they induced? Did they receive any pain medication, and how "natural" was the birth? Did they have a home birth? How long was labor? Did they tear (what a pleasant topic of conversation)? Was a c-section required or even pre-scheduled? Every aspect of birthing is fair game for a mom-to-mom discussion.
I cannot participate in these discussions. I have never given birth. In fact, I have never been pregnant. I've done research on pregnancy, read countless books and articles on the topic, listened to many moms discuss their pregnancies. I know what to expect should I become pregnant. I know what to expect should I be required to deliver a baby (Lord knows the other moms have filled me in on all the gory details). I'm very well "prepared" should anything happen in that area. But after almost 6 years of not preventing pregnancy (to no avail), I'm pretty sure that pregnancy is not in my future.
Early on, when we realized that pregnancy was unlikely, I was sad. Sad that our plan was not being realized (at least, the first part of the plan - we were hoping to have 1 or 2 biological children first, and then adopt). I was mostly heartbroken that it didn't appear I would experience the joy of pregnancy (kicking babies!) and the after-joy of nursing. These would be things I couldn't cross off of my "To Do Before I Die" list. Sigh.
But coming to the decision to adopt was easy for Mark and I. We had discussed adoption early on in our dating, and both viewed it as a meaningful way to grow our family. We were uncomfortable with most treatments to make ourselves "fertile." So adoption was something we were excited to pursuit - it wasn't mearly a last resort when all other fertility treatments failed. We jumped into the adoption arena with both feet! I do not grieve over my inability to achieve pregnancy anymore - I celebrate our ability to parent through adoption.
I rejoice in other moms' pregnancies and deliveries - these are God-given miracles and gifts. And I wouldn't lessen their experiences by asking that they not speak of them in front of me. I am extremely comfortable with and proud of how we've become a family. I believe that my God-given gift is the gift of being an adoptive parent. I am meant to be an adoptive mom. I "click" with our kids' birthfamilies. I am not threatened by the level of openness they want with my children. I cannot imagine that I would be threatened by the level of openness my children want with their birthfamilies. I am their mom. Their birthfamilies love them, too, and there can NEVER be too many people to love my kids. I love my children's birthfamilies, and feel that God has brought us all together for a reason.
So keep talking, moms! Tell me about the contractions, the back-pain, the crowning, all of it. And I will tell you about how it felt to get the phone call telling me we were parents for the first time. Or how amazing it was to be invited to witness my son's birth. These are my birth stories.
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2 comments:
Girl, you've got the stretch marks - they're just where you can't see them - they're all over your heart. By the way, have you seen your patience recently? It's stretched so much that it looks like you've gained and lost 100 pounds easily! :) I know what you're feeling. After Emma came into our lives - especially when she was just born - complete strangers would walk up to me and want to exchange birth stories. At first I would politely mention the adoption, but then I got evil. I would make my labor sound like it was the easiest most fun thing that I'd ever experienced. In their minds, they probably called me an unkind name that rhymes with witch in their heads. I had fun with it. Like you, I'd read enough in hopes of experiencing that that I was able to make up some glamorous birth stories in my day. Boy, did that come back and bite me in places I'd rather not mention the day that Allison was born! :) I think back on Emma's adoption story just as much as I think back on Allison's birth story. I still have some issues to work out in my heart with Allison's birth story. I'd much rather talk about Emma's adoption story. I look forward to coming to terms with Allison's birth so that I feel like sharing them with equal excitement. Both experiences are rights of passage. Sometimes people don't understand that. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but everyone likes to tell the story of how a child joined their family. It doesn't happen a great deal, but when I meet new adoptive parents it's the first thing we discuss. I think that you should share your adoption story with every other person who spontaneously shares their birth story. Just as you appreciate birth stories, I believe non-adoptive mothers/parents will grow to understand and appreciate adoption stories. There's just as much delight, pain, agony, joy, crying, laughing, etc... in each type of story. They just manifest themselves in different ways.
I love you and all your undercover stretch marks, tears and epidurals!
Trista,
This is a great post! I can definitely relate. :)
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