Last night, we filled out our Waiting Family questionnaire. This is a comprehensive document meant to sort out our own feelings and let the agency know what situations we would be comfortable with. It covers such fun and exciting topics as:
- drug or alcohol exposure during pregnancy
- smoking during pregnancy
- level of prenatal care
- race of the child (this has a LOT of breakdowns)
- sex of the child
- age of the child
- level of post-placement contact with birthfamily
- genetic challenges that child may be predisposed to - mental, emotional, physical
- genetic challenges that child has - mental, emotional, physical
- level of risk of the adoption itself
This part of the process makes us feel badly. I would love to say that we're open to whatever God provides for us. That we're such a loving and caring couple that we could handle any situation with grace, and step up to any challenge. That we have a willing spirit and the patience to move mountains.
Frankly, we're not the poster family for every adoption. I can give a hundred excuses about why not, but they will be just that - excuses. It makes me feel TERRIBLE that we're not up for anything. Are we missing God's call by shutting off a possibility? Why can't we be the perfect couple who have open hearts for every child?
It all points to the reasons we have decided to adopt children. Althought it would sound good, we did not adopt in order to "save children" or to get birthmothers out of a jam. Initially, we wanted to adopt because we have always felt called to be parents. Adoption is a mostly selfish act on our parts, albeit a *beautiful* way to have a family. Does that mean I view the children as our property in the process, or somehow owed to us? ABSOLUTELY 100% NOT. Please do not misunderstand my view on birthfamilies or adoption itself. It's not about babies being born by "unworthy" people and being given to "worthy" people. That is a sickening viewpoint (I personally know some people that see things this way - yuck). But I digress.
Mark said it best last night. He said, "the thing that bothers me about filling out this form is that I feel GUILTY about wanting what we would be likely to have if we had a biological child - a healthy baby that would be similar to us." The exercise brings up all the feelings that it's "not fair" that we are experiencing infertility. Even writing that makes me feel selfish and bad. I have done my share of grieving my infertility, and have honestly moved on. But there are still shadows of pain that creep out every once in a while, like yesterday.
We did complete the form. And there are quite a few NO boxes checked. I just wish I didn't feel so badly about it.
6 comments:
The thing about "poster families" for adoption is that the facade is about as thick as the paper the ads are printed on. The really good adoptive parents are the ones who aren't perfect, know it, accept it, and then try to be better parents anyway for the sake of the child they now have. The ones who accept that the child is not of their blood and don't try to deny it, but at the same time love, honor and cherish that child as their own flesh and blood because they are now the child's family.
Thank God, I had parents like this.
And people think tax forms are traumatic!
Nothing wrong with being selfish every now and then. When I was younger I rarely did anything just for myself, and I was miserable. Then one day I realized that the more I give the more others take, so a limit must be set. Sometimes it's a delicate balance to keep from becoming too selfish, but any good hearted and clear thinking person should be able to prevent this. You just have to choose your selfish moments carefully!
And if you believe as I do that everything balances out somehow, you can consider the luxury of being able to choose the adoption situation as a cosmic trade off for the grief brought by infertility. It's not like you decided to have children just because you saw one you liked on TV! You went through a lot of pain before sitting down with that questionnaire. Ultimately, you will be appreciated by the child and birthparents no matter which situation you choose. Now, does that sound selfish? :-)
Yow, those questions made me start feeling guilty about how I'd answer them as well!
I don't think there's anything to be ashamed about in admitting that there are some things you're just not able to cope well with. Better to talk about them now than to bring the child into your home and discover just how overwhelming it can become.
Good luck with the search for #3!
Need I remind you of "The Year of Jenny?" As selfish as that may sound, sometimes you just need to bite the bullet and declare it. Perhaps this should be the year of Mark or Trista, or Mark AND Trista....or more importantly, "The Year of Baby #3!!" You are both awesome parents, people and friends. When I think of you, selfish is never one of the words I'd use to describe either of you. Turn in the paperwork and leave the rest to God.
Who's to say a person willing to accept "whatever God gives them" is better than you are because you are setting limits? You know better than anyone else what is best for your family. Going from two children to three children wil be an adventure and an adjustment for everyone. But, certain situations would create a lot more change than others. You should be proud that you are able to determine what you are capable of handling as well as what Abby and Ethan are able to handle. You're not just making these decisions for "yourselves" anymore.
Trust that just as you are following God's will in welcoming a third child into your home that you are doing the same in filling out that questionaire. You and Mark are the most loving couple I know. I can't stop you from feeling the way that you do. The fact that you thought about it at all says a lot to me. I know many others who did not give those types of considerations more thought than they would if they were presented a jalopy versus a brand new Blazer.
I love you and I can't wait to meet BBVV3. Would it make you feel better to know that this one will probably give you a lot of heck as a teenager? It's not like filling out the paperwork the way you did is going to make for smooth sailing the next 18 to 21 years out. :)
Been there done that! I really know how you feel! Whether it be regarding infertility or filling out those forms....I so know that grief and guilt!
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