Birthfamilies and Blogging

I have been educating myself in the past few months on adoption, specifically focusing on birthparents. You may wonder, what education do you need, already being an adoptive parent? As with anything in life, you need to keep yourself sharp. And with any relationship in life, you need to constantly tend to it in order for it to thrive. My relationships with my childrens' birthparents require tending, and my feelings and understanding of adoption needs to grow in order to be healthy.

I have been reading a lot of blogs regularly. I read 10 blogs that are adoption related. One from a potential adoptive mother, 3 from existing adoptive moms, and the rest from birthmoms. Although I can relate to the adoptive moms, I am most interested in the birthmom blogs. Each one's adoptive placement story is unique, and the feelings shared are unique. But I have learned so much from all six.

It humbles me most to read a birthmom's true feelings about the adoptive parents in their placement. Sometimes, the birthmom feels excluded from the child's life. Sometimes, the adoptive mom is not meeting her end of the bargain (the level of openness is not what was agreed-upon at placement). Sometimes, the relationship between birthmom and adoptive mom is strained. Sometimes, the adoptive mom acts as if she's doing the birthmom a favor by maintaining contact. Sometimes, the birthmom feels powerless in the relationship with the adoptive family.

It is very hard *emotionally* for me to read things like this. Could I be those adoptive moms? Am I treating my kids' birthmoms like the carriers of my child? I once dated someone who's mom actually referred to his dad as the "sperm-donor" because of his lack of involvement in their lives. Could I be acting just as callously with the people who gave my children life? Do I respect my childrens' birthfamilies, and respect their roles in our lives? Do I share enough with them about the kids, or am I excluding them? Do I make enough effort for them to know how important they are to my family?

I have grown more in my feelings about adoption in the last few months than any time prior. I have changed. I have become more sensitive about the relationships I am fostering with my children's birthfamilies. For the first time since my children have been born, I have initiated our Christmas visits. I invited each birthfamily to our home to celebrate Christmas this year.* Mark and I opened our hearts and house to our extended family, hopefully for them to realize how important they are in the lives of our children and of us. I am trying to grow.

The relationships in adoption are fluid, not static. I am consciously working on improving my relationships with the birthfamilies of my kids. So as of right now, these statements capture most of what I feel about birthparents and birthfamilies.

• I don't fear them.
• I don't see them as intrusive.
• I don't view them as indebted to me for raising their children.
• I don't judge their decision to place their children.
• I don't view them as inadequate parent material.
• I am not afraid that they will try to "take their children back" if they know where I live.
• I recognize that they are an important part of my childrens' lives, whether we have contact or not.
  
• I don't feel threatened that my children will know their birthparents, will love their birthparents, will like their birthparents, will aspire to be like their birthparents, will find comfort in looking like their birthparents, will be excited if they have similar mannerisms to their birthparents.
• I don't pretend to understand the birthparents' feelings.
  
• I don't think there can ever be too many people to love my kids.
• I admire the birthparents' strength in keeping an open adoption.
• I admire their courage in placing their children with another family.
• I admire them for having face-to-face contact with their birthchildren, even though it may be bittersweet.
• I sincerely love them as my own family.

*None of the families decided to make the trip to us this year, but we still had nice visits with two out of three families.