Lately, I've been ready to quit (no, not really, it's just a metaphor people!) But truly, I have been very dissatisfied with my job recently.
99% of my problem relates to parenting my beautiful, independent, brilliant oldest child, Abby. My feelings are complex, and my guilt level is very high. The fact that I feel guilty makes me feel like I'm doing a bad job which in turn makes me feel guilty. Why is guilt such a part of the fiber of Mothers?
Abby has been a challenge for me since around 15 months old (definitely by 18 months old). She is now nearing 3. And I need a vacation. Every day.
I am a person who likes to classify things, and although it is not right, I classify my kids. We've read a few parenting books, and some of them talk about temperament. They mention the "strong-willed child" or the "spirited child," one book even saying that only 10% of children fall into this category. I believe Abby has this temperament. Here is a list of characteristics of the "strong-willed child:"
- Almost never accepts words like "impossible" or phrases like "it can’t be done."
- Can move with lightning speed from a warm, loving presence to a cold, immovable force.
- May argue the point into the ground, sometimes just to see how far into the ground the point will go.
- When bored, would rather create a crisis than have a day go by without incident.
- Considers rules to be more like guidelines (i.e. As long as I’m abiding by the "spirit of the law", why are you being so picky?)
- Shows great creativity and resourcefulness—seems to always find a way to accomplish a goal.
- Can turn what seems to be the smallest issue into a grand crusade or a raging controversy.
- Doesn’t do things just because "you’re supposed to" --it needs to matter personally.
- Refuses to obey unconditionally—seems to always have a few terms of negotiation before complying.
- Is not afraid to try the unknown; to conquer the unfamiliar (although each SWC chooses his or her own risks).
- Can take what was meant to be the simplest request and interpret it as an offensive ultimatum.
- May not actually apologize, but almost always makes things right.
I'm wearing thin. I'm struggling with determing which rules are really important and which can be stretched. I feel badly for Ethan that his rules aren't being stretched. I am not doing a good job of motivating or inspiring Abby to behave well for the sake of being good. I'm spending a lot of time walking away and counting to ten. I am scared that my supposed "control" over her will disappear and things will become completely unmanagable. I am envious of Mark's ability to "let things go" where she is concerned and only focus on the big stuff. I am tired. I am sad. I am guilt-ridden. I am failing.
It's not that I don't recognize the plus sides of Abby's personality, because I definitely appreciate her resourcefulness and creativity (if Abby puts her mind to it, I have no doubt she can achieve almost anything). I am so proud of the fact that she tries everything, and doesn't have a defeatest attitude (although I like to inappropriately credit our parenting for that). I can even appreciate her need for the rules to matter to her personally before she will obey. These things are all wonderful traits that I had hoped for in our spunky daughter.
Number 12 in the list above really made me stop and realize that Abby usually does "make things right." Sometimes, it's with a heartfelt and unprompted "sorry." Other times, it's with a hug at the most unexpected moment. And still other times, she just stops misbehaving without being asked [again]. These are incredible gifts that I am grateful for.
I am going through a low period in my parenting (it's not the first, and certainly won't be the last). Although I'm struggling right now, I still believe that being a Mom is my ultimate calling. And despite the fact that my job really stinks right now, I do love my job. Really.
5 comments:
You are a great mom, Trista, as Erik and I had the privilege of witnessing while we were there. You are patient and kind and you know your kids--their strengths and weaknesses. You are also able to laugh a lot--that makes a big difference. Hang in there and remember that 2 is not forever! I love the pictures of the kids that you posted...esp. the one of Jackson looking at Abby. :)
Amanda
People who make parenting seem 100% effortless really bug me. I often wonder exactly what goes on behind the scenes with these types. Are they secretly sedating their kids? Themselves?
Whenever I get a chance to write again, I plan to expose the parenting cover-up that's obviously being perpetrated by individuals and the media. Nobody seems willing to admit how incredibly difficult it is to raise ANY kid--whether they're "average" or "spirited". All kids are a challenge in one way or another.
But you wouldn't know this by what most parents tell you, or by what you see on TV. The struggles and self-doubt are hidden because no one wants to be labeled a "bad parent". And when you do see people at the end of their rope on shows like Supernanny, everything is always neatly resolved by the end. This simply cannot be true.
My take is that while parenting certainly has joyous moments, it is first and foremost a duty. Duties are never guaranteed to be pleasant, and any happiness derived from them is just a bonus. Part of the guilt comes from the false notion that parents are supposed to live in a constant state of bliss. When reality strikes, you start to wonder if you're doing things right.
The good news is that kids are resilient (this is purposeful) and they won't remember any details from the days when mom's or dad's performance was less than stellar. As long as we remain loving, positive role models, our occasional missteps will probably have no lasting effect. Our kids will only remember that they are loved every single day no matter what happens.
The important things are that you're aware of the problems and candid about your feelings. Mark, your other Team Mate, is there to help and perhaps you can learn some of his "let things go" techniques. Looking forward, you'll find a more effective way to fulfill your duty, Abby will phase into a less challenging period and before you know it your greatest concern will once again be where to find the cheapest haircuts!
It's kind of like the girls who have straight hair wish they had curly hair and vice versa. Those of us who have children who long to please (for now) wish our children were more daring. Abby is truly your daughter and you should be proud of her. Think of the women she will become. You may be frustrated with her traits now, but when she is grown, she will make you proud and accomplish much in her life. Hang in there, friend!!
Girlfriend, we need to write that "Motherhood without Guilt" book we were talking about!
Guilt trip on me, who usually lurks. I think you are doing all right, just keep verbalizing to her. She understands more than she lets on, she knows she is running a scam, but she also knows the reason she can do it is because she has your unconditional love. Last thing you want to do is to ask for validation from her, you are her rock. Maybe try changing your negotiating style unexpectedly and see what happens, not in a scary way, though. I worry about the younger sibling, though who seems to be getting robbed of attention, the most precious thing.
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